Author: Welcome back, everyone! Today I will be renewing my series of telephone interviews with Chicago private detective, Richard Dick, who prefers to simply be called Dick. Am I right Dick? Dick: Yeah. Author: Very good. Listen, I understand you just wrapped up a dangerous case involving vampires. Dick: Yeah. Author: Ahem, that’s, well... I’m sure our readers would like to know something about it. Dick: You are? Author: I am what? Dick: You’re sure readers want to know about it. Author: Of course! In fact, I’m certain of it. Dick: That’s nice. Author: <Sigh> So, what did you title this new case? Dick: I named the case file,“Fanged! A Richard Dick Mystery.” Author: “Fanged!” eh? That certainly sounds creepy. Dick: Yeah. Author: Say! Why don’t you tell us something about your client in the case? Dick: My client was Count Earl Duke. He’s a vampire, you know. Author: No, I didn’t know. Why did he need your services? Dick: The Count’s large hoard of blood was stolen from his blood cellar. He hired me to retrieve it. Author: I see. A stolen blood caper, huh? That sounds icky. Dick: Icky? What kind of word is icky? Sheesh, and you call yourself an author. Author: Well, I don’t know, but icky… Dick: Just drop it. The “Fanged!” caper was a bloody mess, but then again, what else would you expect from a vampire? Author: I see what you mean. Did you encounter other vampires during your investigation? Dick: Yeah. Author: Okay then, why don’t you tell us about them? Were they dangerous? Dick: Dangerous? You bet. The Grand Fang might have been the worst, but his Polish girlfriend Serafina is one deadly, bloodsucking dame. Author: Who is the Grand Fang? Dick: Professor von Schweinzturd. He’s the headman at the Vampires Lodge. Author: The Vampires Lodge? Dick: Yeah. Let me tell you, it’s a damned eerie place. Author: I can only imagine. What about his lady friend, Cellophane? Dick: Not Cellophane; her name is Serafina, and listen bud, she’s no lady. She’s a first-class mantrap, and has the best-looking pair of gams I’ve ever seen. That broad could make the Pope sit up and howl at the moon. Take it from me. If you see Serafina coming, head the other way, because she is one evil bitch. Author: Good heavens! Let’s talk a bit more about your client, Count Earl Duke. Since he’s also a vampire, I would imagine he is an evil, dangerous creature himself. Dick: Not hardly. Oh sure, the Count wants to be evil and dangerous, but the fact is, he’s a pitiful vampire. Author: A pitiful vampire, you say? Strange as it seems, that actually sounds sad. Dick: Yeah. Author: So, tell us, Dick. Did the case come to a successful conclusion? Dick: You bet it was successful. I cleared over twenty grand on the deal. Author: No, no. I mean, were you able to recover the Count’s blood for him? Dick: I can’t say. Author: You can’t say? You mean you don’t know? Dick: No, I mean I can’t say. Author: I don’t understand. Dick: It means that I have to keep my trap shut. Jay Hartmann, the Editor at Untreed Reads Publishing, would crap if I spilled the beans before the case file is released. Author: Oh, I see. Untreed Reads releases all of your case files? Dick: That’s right. Readers can pick up “Bite this!,” “Witches Witch?,” “Naughty or Nice,” and “The Lincoln Park Horror,” at Untreed Reads Publishing, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Sony, or wherever fine e-books are sold. Author: So, when can we expect to find “Fanged! A Richard Dick Mystery” joining your other caseson the shelves at e-booksellers? Dick: I don’t know. Sometime this Spring. Author: Can you be more specific? Dick: Nah. As it stands now, I haven’t a clue. Author: Okay, I understand, but you’ll keep us posted, won’t you? Dick: Yeah, sure, but look. I’ve got’a go. Author: Go? Already? Listen, I have a lot more questions… Dick: Listen man, I’ve got’a go! Author: But we are all fascinated by your experience with vampires. Can’t you stay with us just a bit longer? Dick: No can do. I’ve got another date with that blond dame. Author: The blond? Oh, don’t tell me you’re still seeing the girl you met in the Lincoln Park Horrorcase? Dick: Yeah. Author: I simply can’t understand what you see, or I should say, can’t see in that girl. Dick: Oh yeah? All I can say is, “Eat your heart out, boy-o.” Author: Humph, I would think a grown man would…oh, never mind. Well, thank you for joining us today, Dick. And thank all of you out there for staying with us. Please be sure to check back with “The Liars Blog” for updates on Dick’s adventures and his upcoming release, “Fanged! A Richard Dick Mystery”. *** Dick: Pssst! I’ve REALLY got’a scram! Author: Then scram, damn it! Scram! Add Comment  Author: Welcome back, everyone! Today I will be renewing my interview with private detective, Richard Dick, who… Dick: Hey! I told you the last time; just call me Dick. Author: Sorry, my mistake. Uh, what was I saying? Oh yes! We welcome back private detective Dick…um, Dick. Once again, he is calling in from his Chicago office. Hello Dick, thank you for joining us. Dick: Sure. Author: Ahem, yes. I understand you’ve been quite busy since we last spoke. Dick: Yeah. Author: Okay, well then…why don’t you begin by telling everyone about your latest case? Dick: The Lattimore case? Sure, why not? It seems Mrs. Lattimore, Gladys that is, suspected that her husband Rodney was cheating on her. So, she called… Author: Not that case. I was referring… Dick: Don’t interrupt. Gladys thought Rodney had a girlfriend and asked me to investigate the matter. So… Author: I’m not interested in the Lattimore matter. I wanted to hear about… Dick: Didn’t you ask about my latest case? Author: Yes, but… Dick: Then shut up and listen. Author: <Sigh> Oh, very well. Dick: Good. You see, Gladys thought Rodney had a girlfriend… Author: You said that already. Dick: Shaddup! So, I started checking up on old Rodney. You know, following him around to see where he went, who he met, that sort of thing. Author: I see. Dick: It turned out Rodney didn’t have a girlfriend. Author: You don’t say? <Yawn> I’m, so very glad. Dick: Nope. Rodney didn’t have “a” girlfriend; he had at least a dozen. Rodney’s this short, skinny guy, see? But, he likes his girls big, really big, you know, real Amazons, and he prefers them in groups. Author: Good heavens. Dick: Oh yeah. I snapped this photo of him with a half-dozen of them, you see. The girls were towering over him as he led them up the grand staircase at the Bronson Hotel. He looked like Hannibal crossing the Alps. Author: The women were real pachyderms, eh? Dick: I don’t know, but they were a real pack of “somethings.” Author: So, we may assume Gladys will be divorcing Rodney right away. Dick: Nah. Author: No? Gladys must be broadminded about her marriage. Dick: Not at all. It turns out, though, that little old Rodney has a weak heart. So, Gladys figures it won’t be long until those big dames kill him. That being the case, she doesn’t see any sense in spending money on a divorce lawyer. Author: Hmm, it seems Gladys is a practical woman. Dick: Yeah, and besides, I like happy endings, don’t you? Author: What? How’s that? Dick: Don’t you see? Rodney will die happy, and Gladys will live happily ever after. Author: Good grief. Now, can we get back to my original question? Dick: What question? Author: I hoped we might discuss the Lincoln Park case where you encountered ghosts and gangsters. Dick: You must mean the case file I titled, “The Lincoln Park Horror. A Richard Dick Mystery.” Hell, why didn’t you say so in the first place? It would have saved us all a lot of time. Author: <Groan> To say the least, yes. Dick: Okay, hurry up and get on with it. I have a date with a blond tonight. Author: A blond? That wouldn’t be the same blond you met at Lincoln Park would it? Dick: So what if it is? Author: Well, you have to admit… Dick: Hold the phone! Don’t start talking about my girl if you know what’s good for you. Author: Okay, okay. Let’s talk about your client instead, Percival J. Buttersnipe. I understand he’s a ghost, but how did he manage to contact you? Dick: Yeah, Percy is a ghost. You see, ghosts can talk to the living if they want to. Usually they just don’t want to. Author: I see. Why did Mr. Buttersnipe want to talk with you? Dick: Percy needed my help to deal with a group of gangsters living in his home. Sam Spade suggested he contact me. Author: Sam Spade? But he is nothing more than a storybook character. Dick: Are you kidding me?! Sam Spade is no more a storybook character than I am. Unlike me, though, he’s really dead and a ghost. Author: Whatever you say. These gangsters, they were a tough bunch? Dick: The Fettuccini gang was one of the toughest. Author: Was? Does that mean you took care of them? Dick: Read the case file and see for yourself. Author: But, I would like to know, and I’m sure everyone out there would like to know too. Dick: Yeah sure, but they’ll have to read it too. Listen, I’ve got that date, you see… Author: Okay, I understand. Folks you can pick up a copy of Dick’s case file, “The Lincoln Park Horror. A Richard Dick Mystery” at Untreed Reads Publishing, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, OmniLit and retailers all around the globe where fine e-books are sold. Author: Dick, thank you for joining us today. Dick: Huh? Oh yeah…my pleasure. Author: And thank all of you out there for staying with us. Please be sure to check back with “The Liars Blog” for updates. *** Dick: Pssst! Can I hang up now? Author: Please do.  The Lincoln Park Horror. A Richard Dick Mystery Private investigator Richard Dick encounters his most challenging case yet when a prospective client unexpectedly appears in his office. Percival J. Buttersnipe is a multi-millionaire, an incorrigible snob, and thoroughly dead—that’s right, Percy is a ghost! In this latest, rollicking release in the worldwide bestselling Richard Dick mysteries series, Percy hires Dick to evict a group of cutthroats from his deteriorating mansion in Chicago’s stylish Lincoln Park. An uproarious tale of ghosts and gangsters, Dick unveils previously unknown secrets of life in the afterlife as he encounters ghosts around every corner. Will Dick become a ghost himself when gunfire erupts during a daring daylight bank robbery? A new, hilarious novella from the author of Bite This!, Witches Which?, Naughty or Nice?, and Flying Solo. Dick Dick has a new Book Cover! 05/22/2011
Untreed Reads Publishing previously released all of my Richard Dick mysteries under their Fingerprints line. Beginning with the upcoming release of The Lincoln Park Horror, Dick will have his personal book cover. Here is an early draft image of the cover.  Heeeere's Dick Dick! 05/12/2011
For you Richard Dick fans out there, I thought it might be a hoot to conduct a series of interviews with Dick himself. We'll begin at the beginning, and discover what makes this intrepid private detective tick. Hang on--here we go! Author: Today, I have the pleasure of talking with the famous private detective, Richard Dick, who is calling in from his Chicago office. Hello Richard, I’m so glad you could join us today. Dick: I’m happy to be here, and please, just call me Dick. Author: Okay, Dick. Why don’t you tell us something about yourself? Dick: I’m a private dick. Author: Yes, well, we knew that already. Why don’t you start by telling everyone how you became interested in a career as a private detective? Dick: Why? Do you think they care? Author: Absolutely. That is, I guess they do. Anyway it’s as a good a place to start as any, isn’t it? Dick: I suppose so. Okay, I was just bumming around, you understand, not doing much of anything, when I read about the detective game on a matchbook cover. Author: A matchbook cover? Dick: Sure. I noticed this great ad, see, telling how you could become a private dick in only eight weeks. It sounded like a first-rate deal, so I gave them a call and signed up for their correspondence course. Author: A correspondence course? Who offers a private detective correspondence course? Dick: Ed’s Private Detective School & Aquarium Supplies. Author: Ed’s Private…ahem, I see. And you think this correspondence school adequately prepared you for a career as a private detective? Dick: You bet. It covered the all basics, but really got in-depth into the most important subjects. Author: What kind of in-depth information did you receive? Dick: Where to buy trench coats at discount prices…important stuff like that. Author: Uh-huh… Okay, perhaps we should hurry on and talk about some of your more famous cases. If you would, speak to the matter where you encountered shape-shifters. Dick: What are shape-shifters? Author: Werewolves and such. Dick: Oh, you must mean the Wareville caper. Yeah, I titled the case-file on that one, “Bite This! A Richard Dick Mystery “ Author: Yes, that’s the one. It was quite a success for you, wasn’t it? Dick: You got that right. I cleared a bit over eight grand on that case. Author: Um, actually I was referring to your success in solving the case. Dick: Oh that. Sure, I discovered there’s a wide variety of, uh, what did you call them? Author: Shape-shifters. Dick: Oh yeah…anyway, I had heard of werewolves, of course, but discovered there’s a wide variety of ship-shapers out there. Author: Shape-shifters. Dick: How’s that? Author: Skip it. Listen. Why don’t you tell us something about your client and her problem? Dick: My client was Petunia Flatterbottom, and she was a great big ‘ol fat girl. Author: Not that problem for Christ’s sake! Tell us why she came to you for assistance. Dick: Oh. It seems she thought a werewolf was stalking her, and was afraid it would eat her. Author: Geeze. Well, did it? Dick: Did it what? Author: Eat her! Dick: Don’t you know? I thought you read the file. Author: I have read the file! I thought you might want to tell everyone else what happened. Dick: Why don’t you just tell them where they can pick up a copy so they can read it for themselves? Author: Oh very well, but I’m sure they already know that “Bite This! A Richard Dick Mystery” is available at Untreed Reads Publishing, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, BooksAMillion, Borders, OmniLit and retailers all around the globe where fine e-books are sold. Dick: Now see? That wasn’t so hard was it? Author: You’ll never know. Folks, we’ve got to take a break now, but be sure to come back soon when I resume my conversation with private detective, Richard Dick. *** Dick: Pssst! Are we still on the air? Author: Shhh! |
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